Monday, December 17, 2012

Yes, Virginia, There Is a CIA

“I had some doubts about the whole Santa Claus matter,” the gifted child informed me.

“You did, huh?” I asked.

“Yep,” she responded, “I was having trouble with the part about a fat man going down all those chimneys. And what about houses that don't even have a chimney? What then?”


“And that's not all,” she added.

“It's not?”

“Nope, not by a long shot. Preliminary estimates suggest it would be extremely difficult to visit the home of every child in the world in a single night.”

I was silent.

“So I conducted a bit of an investigation. Know what I did?”


“I interviewed some kids on the school bus. Oh, there is plenty of talk, all right, but facts are in short supply.”

“Ya don't say,” I thought aloud.

“Lots of hearsay and second hand stories. There does seem to be some trace evidence, though... like gifts mysteriously showing up under Christmas trees. However, I can find no verifiable evidence whatsoever directly supporting the existence of any alleged magical pole-dweller.”

“Did ya tell anybody that?”

“Billy and Mary Sue. On the school bus.”

“What'd they say?”

“Billy wondered if we were having pizza for lunch and Mary Sue said she just hopes she gets a phone for Christmas.”

“Uh huh.”

“I gotta tell ya, though, I think there is something significant going on – a story of strategic hocus pocus and intentional falsehoods that could send shock waves reverberating throughout the elementary school.”

“What would you say to those who might call you a delusional conspiracy theorist?”

“A what?” the girl asked.

“Hmmmm... a person who makes up crazy ideas to try to explain stuff.”

She contemplated that a while, then responded, “I would say my idea is rational and deserves deeper consideration, particularly given the lack of direct evidence to support the currently prevailing assumptions. In actuality, the crazy idea would be that a bunch of elves take a full year to build toys for the children of the world yet the toys can seemingly all be delivered in a single night by some so-called jolly saint.”

“Maybe you're right.”

“What's more,” she went on, “I assert that my initial investigation indeed suggests further research is justified into a substantially far reaching and deceptive plot.”

“I'm listening...”

“I present for consideration that Billy, Mary Sue and their peers have been intentionally misled to believe the Santa myth is a factual account. I suggest authority figures are primarily responsible for the charade, but a wide range of additional parties - both honestly mistaken and dishonestly deceptive - are also to blame. I currently have strong reason to suspect the myth has permeated our culture to the extent of vast networks of people executing elaborate hoaxes, the likes of which include men blatantly misrepresenting themselves to be Claus at malls and similar locations. I am convinced motives include the manipulation of behavior - carrot dangling, if you will - carried out by select adults in order to serve the interests of the parents that be. Established precedence exists in which additional motives can be conclusively demonstrated to include financial gain. I intend to raise public awareness of the related issues and inform sincere interested parties of the actual circumstances.”

Good luck with that, kid.


Originally posted at Examiner.